My Shaadi.com profile from back in the day....

For the amusement of all...my shaadi.bomb profile. It worked....

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I was in one of my more lucid moods, so I thought I would rewrite my
profile it's been a while since I wrote it.

So here I am, still, trying to find some one to click with.

Its difficult to write something different, what approach does one take?

1. The Laundry list

You should have two arms, two legs.. etc be able to make roti's that
are perfectly circular, pour tea while shaking the teapot
uncontrollably, so as to indicate you shy and obedient disposition but
not spill a single drop demonstrating you german like efficiency. You
will be of course be able to do this in your graduation robes as you
wear them all the time just to remind everyone how clever you are.

You like all girly things and are homely. Which means you like to do
things in the home. You like puppies and soft things. You are graduate
of a top school but its all secondary to feeding babies and making,
your soon to be man's aloo parotha's on the weekend.

I will, of course, have the appropriate number of appendages to my
torso too. I will have big balance in my free checking account with
rewards, but still drive a volvo indicating my sensible approach to
fiscal matters. I will be a graduate from an ivy league, are there any
that aren't, university. Where I excelled in getting letters after my
name. I am reliable dependable and I can put shelves up. I am of
course funny and have a six pack (I have found that there is a
universal constant that means only one of these can be true at any one
time)

or perhaps

2. Super Dichotomy in a futile search for perfect balance

Looking for a homely girl with a Masters. Looking for a guy who is
down to earth while simultaneously is ambitious and bold. Must dress
well, drive flash car and have all the trappings of material wealth
but is not materially motivated. Money's not important as long he's
minted. "He's a millionaire but he's a nice guy", as if the two were
exclusive. Wanted the introverted extrovert type, the masculine
sensitive type, the quiet shy rebel, the spiritual party animal and
the bad good girl.

or we could get down to business...

3. The Alliance

We are looking for an alliance for our beautiful, intelligent, perfect
daughter. She is of impeccable breeding. We have not included a
picture as she is so beautiful that your retina's will probably burn
away.

You should be tall, handsome, rich, from good stock, funny,
intelligent and a green card holder, of course.

Applications will only be considered if complete, please send photos,
preferably life size, your last three pay slips, a balance sheet,
current bank statement, a family tree for 4 generations highlighting
any ministers or judges and stamped self addressed envelope, if you
want it all back. Applications will take 4-6 weeks to review.
Successful applicants will receive a phone interview at 9 am on
Sunday.
or I just can't be bothered but if you make all the effort then
perhaps I get back to you.

4. The one liner (normally accompanied by super photo)

I'm just so wonderful I can't possibly capture my essence in one para
so contact me if interested.

By the way I live and work in NYC. Coffee anyone?

UK tax system explained through beer

I couldn't resist putting this up. It's simply brilliant. The sad thing is the all the bloody Guardian readers still won't get it.

The Tax system, explained in beer.

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for a beer and the bill for all
ten comes to £100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go
something like this
......



The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.


The fifth would pay £1.


The sixth would pay £3.
The seventh would pay £7.
The eighth would pay £12.
The ninth would pay £18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay £59.



So, that's what they decided to do.

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the
 arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve

"Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the 
cost of your daily beer by £20." Drinks for the ten of you now cost just £80.



The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes. So
 the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what
about the other six men? The paying customers? How could they divide the £20
 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?


They realized that £20 divided by six is £3.33. But if they subtracted that from
 everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being
 paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to
 reduce each man's bill by roughly the same percentage amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay. And so
…………



The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings)


The sixth now paid £2 instead of £3 (33% savings).


The seventh now pay £5 instead of £7 (28% savings).


The eighth now paid £9 instead of £12 (25% savings).


The ninth now paid £14 instead of £18 (22% savings).

The tenth now paid £49 instead of £59 (16% savings).


Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four
continued to drink for free.

But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their
 savings.



"I only got a pound out of the £20,"declared the sixth man.

He pointed to the tenth man," but he got £10!"



"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I
 only saved a pound too. It's unfair that he got ten 
times more than I!"


"That's true!!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he
get £10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!"



"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get anything
 at all. The system exploits the poor!"


The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the 
nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill,
they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money
 between all of them for even half of the bill!



And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how
 our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most
 benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being
 wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.



David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.

Professor of Economics

For those who understand, no explanation is needed.

For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.

BA cabin crew vote for strikes

One has to ask, what is it that the cabin crew do, that makes them think they are entitled to these enormous salaries and benefits. If the pilot and co-pilot die will they fly the plane? If there is a medical emergency on the plane will they make the diagnosis? If the plane has a mechanical fault will they strip the engine and rebuild it? Whether you have 15 minutes or 15 years of "experience", cabin crew remain, simply waitresses, albeit with the ability, thankfully untested, to stay calm in crisis and read the crisis instructions. Some may find this insulting but it will not stop it from being true. You get paid for the skills you bring to the job. In the case of the BA Cabin crew, they can't even bring a smile. (By the way I have taken over 250 flights in the last 5 years and BA is Ryanair without the cheap ticket. Only when there is simply no option am I forced to buy BA). Take Control. Fire everyone. Sell everything. Slots, planes, assets including the brand. Fill the hole in the pensions with the money. Pay what’s left to the debt and equity holders. Put the pension in trust and be done with it. This Union doesn't deserve to carry our flag.

BA cabin crew vote for strikes - contains video

Should we send aid to Zimbabwe?

Black Zimbabweans to take control of white-owned companies surely it would be equally accurate to say that "People whose only skill is to have connections in government to take control of business built by people who know how to run them"

The past has been used to justify many things, no doubt the guardian readers of the world will see this current act of stupidity as just desserts for the crimes of past generations of white colonialism, but the reality is that this will temporarily enrich a few corrupt politicians and rapidly destroy what little is left of the economy. It happened in Uganda when Idi Amin did it. This appropriation already happened with the farms and a country that used to feed it's neighbours teeters on the brink of starvation. Who is going to invest in Zimbabwe now?

Another man-made African catastrophe.

Who ate all the pies, who ate all the pies...

The Daily "Hate"Mail has the following article about how to get loads of benefits if you are addicted to eating like a pie-aholic £80m bill for obesity

Those of you who know me well, might consider this a risky topic for me to approach as my own gastronomic adventures tend to involve large quantities of fatty meats, the ribeye instead of the fillet, the pork belly rather than the chops and all the cheese goodness of real mozzarella. Luckily for me, by the grace of god, or the randomness of evolution I have managed to keep my butt in my 32" waist jeans for the past 15 years.

Anyway, back to paying people to sit on there arses because they are too fat to work seems a little counter intuitive to me, surely the last thing they need in fact. It's not the amount of money were wasting that's shocking, to be fair, it's a very small amount of money in the scheme of things, but it is the idea that we, and by we I mean the tax payer, are "helping" these people. What they need is a gym membership and court order to attend. tough love? maybe. Legal? probably not, but nor is taxing hard working people, who make consciences decision about their families diet, to subsidize the self destructive choices of the ignorant and lazy.

Top Things to Fix The Problem

1. Stop Rewarding People with a free pass for being obese. NO MORE BENEFITS

2. Make legally binding contracts with them to get in shape, money for gyms is available now that you don't get paid for sitting on your arse.

3. Education, Education, Education if children are fat, bring the parents for mandatory education on nutrition. If the refuse, its child abuse.

Most of this is UK specific where people don't bear the cost of their choices, in the US there is no health insurance if you don't work. So you couldn't have this situation arising so do what you want.

If airlines sold paint..

Just to funny.

By Alan H. Hess. Originally published in Travel Weekly, October 1998.

IF AIRLINES SOLD PAINT
----------------------
Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different
prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.

Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?

Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks.
But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that
week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be kidding!

Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!

Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell
only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by
the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any
more $12 paint.

Customer: The price went up as we were talking?

Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times
a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with
your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase
your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have
enough.

Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use
it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you
already have.

Customer: WHAT?

Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall
and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom,
you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.

Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already
paid you for it!

Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used,
every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I
don't keep painting until after Saturday night!

Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the
$200 paint.

Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a quart"
signs?

Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in
half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second
half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have
labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.

Customer: The heck with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!

Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your
bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone
else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway
from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in
only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.

Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!

Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you
started. A hallway is different.

Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one
direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.

Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on
your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.

Customer: You're insane!

Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.

==
A slightly modified version of the original.
Printed with permission. C Alan H. Hess, 1998. All rights reserved.

In the Lounge again....

The last few weeks have been very interesting, I have said that friends are like diamonds, you need time and pressure to get one. More of one means you can get away with less of the other. Good times do not make good friends, its only when people have to choose between what they want and what would be most equitable that you find out who your real mates are.

Anyway, I'm sitting in the Virgin lounge at JFK banging this pointless blog on my shiny new macbook pro, up for 36 hours straight packing and stressing...although some of the 36 was spent have my last proper steak, for a while, at Del Frisco's Filet PAH! Ribeye any day of the week.

I think things are going to be just fun...just need some space to run.