My Shaadi.com profile from back in the day....

For the amusement of all...my shaadi.bomb profile. It worked....

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I was in one of my more lucid moods, so I thought I would rewrite my
profile it's been a while since I wrote it.

So here I am, still, trying to find some one to click with.

Its difficult to write something different, what approach does one take?

1. The Laundry list

You should have two arms, two legs.. etc be able to make roti's that
are perfectly circular, pour tea while shaking the teapot
uncontrollably, so as to indicate you shy and obedient disposition but
not spill a single drop demonstrating you german like efficiency. You
will be of course be able to do this in your graduation robes as you
wear them all the time just to remind everyone how clever you are.

You like all girly things and are homely. Which means you like to do
things in the home. You like puppies and soft things. You are graduate
of a top school but its all secondary to feeding babies and making,
your soon to be man's aloo parotha's on the weekend.

I will, of course, have the appropriate number of appendages to my
torso too. I will have big balance in my free checking account with
rewards, but still drive a volvo indicating my sensible approach to
fiscal matters. I will be a graduate from an ivy league, are there any
that aren't, university. Where I excelled in getting letters after my
name. I am reliable dependable and I can put shelves up. I am of
course funny and have a six pack (I have found that there is a
universal constant that means only one of these can be true at any one
time)

or perhaps

2. Super Dichotomy in a futile search for perfect balance

Looking for a homely girl with a Masters. Looking for a guy who is
down to earth while simultaneously is ambitious and bold. Must dress
well, drive flash car and have all the trappings of material wealth
but is not materially motivated. Money's not important as long he's
minted. "He's a millionaire but he's a nice guy", as if the two were
exclusive. Wanted the introverted extrovert type, the masculine
sensitive type, the quiet shy rebel, the spiritual party animal and
the bad good girl.

or we could get down to business...

3. The Alliance

We are looking for an alliance for our beautiful, intelligent, perfect
daughter. She is of impeccable breeding. We have not included a
picture as she is so beautiful that your retina's will probably burn
away.

You should be tall, handsome, rich, from good stock, funny,
intelligent and a green card holder, of course.

Applications will only be considered if complete, please send photos,
preferably life size, your last three pay slips, a balance sheet,
current bank statement, a family tree for 4 generations highlighting
any ministers or judges and stamped self addressed envelope, if you
want it all back. Applications will take 4-6 weeks to review.
Successful applicants will receive a phone interview at 9 am on
Sunday.
or I just can't be bothered but if you make all the effort then
perhaps I get back to you.

4. The one liner (normally accompanied by super photo)

I'm just so wonderful I can't possibly capture my essence in one para
so contact me if interested.

By the way I live and work in NYC. Coffee anyone?

UK tax system explained through beer

I couldn't resist putting this up. It's simply brilliant. The sad thing is the all the bloody Guardian readers still won't get it.

The Tax system, explained in beer.

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for a beer and the bill for all
ten comes to £100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go
something like this
......



The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.


The fifth would pay £1.


The sixth would pay £3.
The seventh would pay £7.
The eighth would pay £12.
The ninth would pay £18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay £59.



So, that's what they decided to do.

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the
 arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve

"Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the 
cost of your daily beer by £20." Drinks for the ten of you now cost just £80.



The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes. So
 the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what
about the other six men? The paying customers? How could they divide the £20
 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?


They realized that £20 divided by six is £3.33. But if they subtracted that from
 everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being
 paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to
 reduce each man's bill by roughly the same percentage amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay. And so
…………



The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings)


The sixth now paid £2 instead of £3 (33% savings).


The seventh now pay £5 instead of £7 (28% savings).


The eighth now paid £9 instead of £12 (25% savings).


The ninth now paid £14 instead of £18 (22% savings).

The tenth now paid £49 instead of £59 (16% savings).


Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four
continued to drink for free.

But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their
 savings.



"I only got a pound out of the £20,"declared the sixth man.

He pointed to the tenth man," but he got £10!"



"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I
 only saved a pound too. It's unfair that he got ten 
times more than I!"


"That's true!!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he
get £10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!"



"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get anything
 at all. The system exploits the poor!"


The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the 
nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill,
they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money
 between all of them for even half of the bill!



And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how
 our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most
 benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being
 wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.



David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.

Professor of Economics

For those who understand, no explanation is needed.

For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.

BA cabin crew vote for strikes

One has to ask, what is it that the cabin crew do, that makes them think they are entitled to these enormous salaries and benefits. If the pilot and co-pilot die will they fly the plane? If there is a medical emergency on the plane will they make the diagnosis? If the plane has a mechanical fault will they strip the engine and rebuild it? Whether you have 15 minutes or 15 years of "experience", cabin crew remain, simply waitresses, albeit with the ability, thankfully untested, to stay calm in crisis and read the crisis instructions. Some may find this insulting but it will not stop it from being true. You get paid for the skills you bring to the job. In the case of the BA Cabin crew, they can't even bring a smile. (By the way I have taken over 250 flights in the last 5 years and BA is Ryanair without the cheap ticket. Only when there is simply no option am I forced to buy BA). Take Control. Fire everyone. Sell everything. Slots, planes, assets including the brand. Fill the hole in the pensions with the money. Pay what’s left to the debt and equity holders. Put the pension in trust and be done with it. This Union doesn't deserve to carry our flag.

BA cabin crew vote for strikes - contains video

Should we send aid to Zimbabwe?

Black Zimbabweans to take control of white-owned companies surely it would be equally accurate to say that "People whose only skill is to have connections in government to take control of business built by people who know how to run them"

The past has been used to justify many things, no doubt the guardian readers of the world will see this current act of stupidity as just desserts for the crimes of past generations of white colonialism, but the reality is that this will temporarily enrich a few corrupt politicians and rapidly destroy what little is left of the economy. It happened in Uganda when Idi Amin did it. This appropriation already happened with the farms and a country that used to feed it's neighbours teeters on the brink of starvation. Who is going to invest in Zimbabwe now?

Another man-made African catastrophe.

Who ate all the pies, who ate all the pies...

The Daily "Hate"Mail has the following article about how to get loads of benefits if you are addicted to eating like a pie-aholic £80m bill for obesity

Those of you who know me well, might consider this a risky topic for me to approach as my own gastronomic adventures tend to involve large quantities of fatty meats, the ribeye instead of the fillet, the pork belly rather than the chops and all the cheese goodness of real mozzarella. Luckily for me, by the grace of god, or the randomness of evolution I have managed to keep my butt in my 32" waist jeans for the past 15 years.

Anyway, back to paying people to sit on there arses because they are too fat to work seems a little counter intuitive to me, surely the last thing they need in fact. It's not the amount of money were wasting that's shocking, to be fair, it's a very small amount of money in the scheme of things, but it is the idea that we, and by we I mean the tax payer, are "helping" these people. What they need is a gym membership and court order to attend. tough love? maybe. Legal? probably not, but nor is taxing hard working people, who make consciences decision about their families diet, to subsidize the self destructive choices of the ignorant and lazy.

Top Things to Fix The Problem

1. Stop Rewarding People with a free pass for being obese. NO MORE BENEFITS

2. Make legally binding contracts with them to get in shape, money for gyms is available now that you don't get paid for sitting on your arse.

3. Education, Education, Education if children are fat, bring the parents for mandatory education on nutrition. If the refuse, its child abuse.

Most of this is UK specific where people don't bear the cost of their choices, in the US there is no health insurance if you don't work. So you couldn't have this situation arising so do what you want.

If airlines sold paint..

Just to funny.

By Alan H. Hess. Originally published in Travel Weekly, October 1998.

IF AIRLINES SOLD PAINT
----------------------
Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different
prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.

Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?

Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks.
But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that
week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be kidding!

Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!

Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell
only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by
the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any
more $12 paint.

Customer: The price went up as we were talking?

Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times
a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with
your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase
your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have
enough.

Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use
it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you
already have.

Customer: WHAT?

Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall
and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom,
you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.

Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already
paid you for it!

Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used,
every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I
don't keep painting until after Saturday night!

Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the
$200 paint.

Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a quart"
signs?

Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in
half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second
half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have
labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.

Customer: The heck with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!

Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your
bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone
else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway
from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in
only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.

Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!

Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you
started. A hallway is different.

Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one
direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.

Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on
your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.

Customer: You're insane!

Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.

==
A slightly modified version of the original.
Printed with permission. C Alan H. Hess, 1998. All rights reserved.

In the Lounge again....

The last few weeks have been very interesting, I have said that friends are like diamonds, you need time and pressure to get one. More of one means you can get away with less of the other. Good times do not make good friends, its only when people have to choose between what they want and what would be most equitable that you find out who your real mates are.

Anyway, I'm sitting in the Virgin lounge at JFK banging this pointless blog on my shiny new macbook pro, up for 36 hours straight packing and stressing...although some of the 36 was spent have my last proper steak, for a while, at Del Frisco's Filet PAH! Ribeye any day of the week.

I think things are going to be just fun...just need some space to run.

Douche Bag Indicators (DBI)

Douche Bag Indicators (DBI), in no particular order

1. Excessive use of the words bro, dude or if the late 80’s homie when referring to any male. This goes double after the age of 35
2. Use of any “Air and Finger” weaponry.
3. Mentioning in their first conversation with someone,
1. “their friend’s yacht or Paris Pied-a-Tier”
2. “their black friend”
3. “their gay friend”
4. “their gay black friend”
4. Having more than one polo shirt on at a time
5. Insisting that everybody, including the guy at the end of the bar he doesn’t know, has a shot of Jägermeister, for no apparent reason.
6. Screaming Yeah! And Hi Fiving everyone with excessive enthusiasm,
1. At the end of the Jägermeister shot
2. Ever
7. The only person who you can hear laughing in a room full of people laughing.
8. Wearing a cravat without being French and it being a Tuesday.
9. Wearing Shades in a nightclub, unless
1. You’re famous
2. You’re Italian
3. You’re Japanese
4. You’re Black
10. Excessive Use of Latin abbreviations, quotations etc, that is not to say, never using them per se but when used in an ad hoc manner vis-à-vis making no sense what so ever.
11. Use of Air quotes when saying anything, allegedly controversial.
12. Considering oneself a foreign policy expert because they
1. have watched all 7 seasons of 24
2. have travelled to “Africa” in their “gap” year from college, while changing major
3. know someone from another country who gave them the complete lowdown.

The 5 Stages of Leaving

Stage 1 – Statement of Intent 180 minutes before actually leaving

This stage kicks off the leaving process, it can be repeated a number of times before moving on the stage 2. Each iteration of stage 1, will result in a negative response from the host, who will forcefully insist that you stay. In some cases, it will appear that the host wants you to stay forever.

Also common in this stage is someone will go and start to make a fresh pot of tea.

Stage 2 – Standing Up in The Room

People will stand up in the Room and carry on their conversation. Children will often be told to stop any activities they are participating in preparation for departure. They will of course become bored and irritable when they have to stand around with the olds.

Hug

Drink the tea

Stage 3 – Move To the Door

As is traditional in many Asian homes, shoes are not worn indoors. This presents stage 3, shoes are normally left near the door. While putting on your shoes you will participate in a stage that is very similar to Stage 2 except the conversation will revolve around the host and the leaving guest impressing upon one another that they do not see each other enough, each trying to establish that they alone are busy and the other should come round more often.

Hug

Stage 4 – Open the Door

See Stage 3 but with the door open.

Stage 5 - Leaving

The customary never ending wave, the host must continue to wave bye the departing guest until the he/she is at least 200 miles away.

Variations

The empty Tupperware swap.

This includes the return and lending of various pieces of kitchenware products, which will need to be found and/or washed.

The emergency sabjee supply chain.

This includes the giving of everyday food items, to save the guest from going shopping and getting it themselves.

Total time 90-180 minutes.

Cleveland November 2006

Cleveland, OH What a weekend! On the way Continental managed to lose Ron's luggage DOH! After landing we wwent to pick the Fun Bus, big up Carl for the excellent call.

After a brief warm up at the hotel, it was off to down town Cleveland to partake in some of the midwest club scene. I like!

Saturday was world class, sleep in , go shopping, charades, all lubricated with copious amounts of alcohol. Followed by poker and one of the most unlikely comebacks in poker history by Sanal. If only he didn't do the, "I'm a closet gay republican" dance everytime he won a hand.

Sunday was the game. Damn those Steelers!

Click on the picture for more pictures. Anybody who has pictures from this weekend please can you send them to me, or let me know so I can tell how to upload to this set. So we have all the pics from this weekend in one place

English of Tomorrow EU Announcement

Brussels, Belgium: The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be droppe d in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

Thanks Steve

Gold Reaches 20 Year High Indian Daugter-In-Laws Rejoice

London, UK: Concerns of over the credit crisis and oil prices continued to weigh on investors weakening the dollar.

Investors ran to safe haven investments such as gold, forcing the price up to an 20-year high. There was however, plenty of gold selling, as Indian daughter-in-law’s were able to convince their husbands family that with the gold spot where it was it was utter madness not to sell.

However, noted Punjabi anthropologist, Dr. Iam Don Key, said that this Sale was more to do with the girls not wanting to wear tasteless display of wealth. A spokeswoman for NA, NauAh Anonymous said, “ There are often unreported medical consequences from wearing so much gold, neck ache, back ache and extreme embarrassment from looking like Christmas tree”

Medical insurance company stocks, also rose on the prospect of not having to pay out on such claims, the biggest gainer was MTTI, Meri Tutee Toohey Insurance (MTTI), which rose 3%.

In other news, a Punjabi girl is receiving treatment on her arse, after tripping in a field over her very long hair. The girl, is reported to be in good spirits, although she has asked to be kept in for observation. Lawyers for Timotei, issued a statement, saying they would fight any compensation claim in court.

The Ant and Grasshopper

CLASSIC VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE MODERN BRITISH VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate and working class grasshoppers like him are cold and starving.

BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper, with cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm home with a table filled with food. The term Fat Cat is used a lot. Britons are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.

The Big Issue, the NUS and Oxfam demonstrate in front of the ant's house. The BBC, interrupting a Chav Cultural Symposium special from Mile End with breaking news, broadcasts them singing "We Shall Overcome."

Gordon Brown rants in an interview with Jeremey Paxman that the ant has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and says he will call for an immediate tax hike, which he refers to as a redistribution, on the ant and all 'like him' to make him pay his "fair share."

In response to polls, the Labour Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant's taxes are reassessed and he is handed a new bill. Also the Grasshopper sues the Ant for failing to hire grasshoppers as help, the CRE has promised to pay for the case. In a statement they accuse Ants of being 'Institutionally Racist'. The grasshopper receives Full Legal Aid, paid for by the Ants previous taxes. The ant cannot get Legal aid as he had some savings and investments for his retirement.

Without enough money to pay his retroactive taxes and fight the discrimination case, the government repossesses his home.

The ant moves to the US, starts a successful agribiz company.

The BBC later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of the ant's food though Spring is still months away, while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he hadn't maintained it.

Inadequate government funding is blamed, Lord Falconer is appointed to head a commission of enquiry that will cost £10,000,000.

The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, the Sun blames it on obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from the endemic class system. The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders, praised by the Commission for Racial Equality for enriching Britain's multicultural diversity, who promptly terrorize the community and start claming benefit.

Word Of The Week - Deeplicious

Deep·li·cious
adj.

1. Highly pleasing or agreeable to the senses, especially of taste or smell.
2. Very pleasant; deeplightful: a deeplicious revenge.

Word of the Day - Deeplomatic

deep·lo·mat·ic
adj.

1. Of, relating to, or involving communication designed to offend and undermine the professional credibility of the subject.
2. Using or marked by lack of tact and sensitivity in dealing with others.

• Of or relating to corporate mavericks

Verse for classmate gets Dalit boy death

India, 2008 apparently.

Absolutely disgusting.

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/Chandigarh/Verse_for_classmate_gets_Dalit_boy_death/articleshow/3199090.cms

Word of the Week - Fabulash

Fabulash (Fabul . ash)
Adj

Typical use: To live fabulashly

1. To exist without concern for social pressures and focus only in pursuit of the next jolly.

2. To channel a towering intellect and logical prowess for the good of mankind…ie the annihilation of bugfaced alien invaders on xbox

3. The purchase of very large, very expensive, very useless toys. (Its stupid, I know its stupid, everyone tells me its stupid, but I’ll do it anyway…. because its cool)

Poconos July 4th, 2008

Lake Harmony, PA : Just the picture for this post.

Word of the Week - FASHism

Defined as a form of obsessive behavior marked by preoccupation with expensive dining, copious drinking and serious plundering of intellectual and financial advantage, in which a mass-based party of committed individuals, working in an uneasy but effective collaboration against traditional elites, abandons all sensibility and pursues with redemptive violence and without ethical, social or legal restraints, goals of inebriation, waist expansion and the accumulation of expensive, state-of-the-art yet ultimately useless technology.

Posted by Ash

Word of the Week - Gastroporntastic

gas·tro·porn·tas·tic
adj

Explicit pictures, writing, or other material whose primary purpose is to cause psuedo-sexual gastromical arousal.

1. Unrestrainedly fanciful; extravagant: fantastic food
2. Wonderful or superb; remarkable: a fantastic food