English of Tomorrow EU Announcement

Brussels, Belgium: The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be droppe d in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

Thanks Steve

Gold Reaches 20 Year High Indian Daugter-In-Laws Rejoice

London, UK: Concerns of over the credit crisis and oil prices continued to weigh on investors weakening the dollar.

Investors ran to safe haven investments such as gold, forcing the price up to an 20-year high. There was however, plenty of gold selling, as Indian daughter-in-law’s were able to convince their husbands family that with the gold spot where it was it was utter madness not to sell.

However, noted Punjabi anthropologist, Dr. Iam Don Key, said that this Sale was more to do with the girls not wanting to wear tasteless display of wealth. A spokeswoman for NA, NauAh Anonymous said, “ There are often unreported medical consequences from wearing so much gold, neck ache, back ache and extreme embarrassment from looking like Christmas tree”

Medical insurance company stocks, also rose on the prospect of not having to pay out on such claims, the biggest gainer was MTTI, Meri Tutee Toohey Insurance (MTTI), which rose 3%.

In other news, a Punjabi girl is receiving treatment on her arse, after tripping in a field over her very long hair. The girl, is reported to be in good spirits, although she has asked to be kept in for observation. Lawyers for Timotei, issued a statement, saying they would fight any compensation claim in court.

The Ant and Grasshopper

CLASSIC VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE MODERN BRITISH VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate and working class grasshoppers like him are cold and starving.

BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper, with cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm home with a table filled with food. The term Fat Cat is used a lot. Britons are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.

The Big Issue, the NUS and Oxfam demonstrate in front of the ant's house. The BBC, interrupting a Chav Cultural Symposium special from Mile End with breaking news, broadcasts them singing "We Shall Overcome."

Gordon Brown rants in an interview with Jeremey Paxman that the ant has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and says he will call for an immediate tax hike, which he refers to as a redistribution, on the ant and all 'like him' to make him pay his "fair share."

In response to polls, the Labour Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant's taxes are reassessed and he is handed a new bill. Also the Grasshopper sues the Ant for failing to hire grasshoppers as help, the CRE has promised to pay for the case. In a statement they accuse Ants of being 'Institutionally Racist'. The grasshopper receives Full Legal Aid, paid for by the Ants previous taxes. The ant cannot get Legal aid as he had some savings and investments for his retirement.

Without enough money to pay his retroactive taxes and fight the discrimination case, the government repossesses his home.

The ant moves to the US, starts a successful agribiz company.

The BBC later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of the ant's food though Spring is still months away, while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he hadn't maintained it.

Inadequate government funding is blamed, Lord Falconer is appointed to head a commission of enquiry that will cost £10,000,000.

The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, the Sun blames it on obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from the endemic class system. The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders, praised by the Commission for Racial Equality for enriching Britain's multicultural diversity, who promptly terrorize the community and start claming benefit.

Word Of The Week - Deeplicious

Deep·li·cious
adj.

1. Highly pleasing or agreeable to the senses, especially of taste or smell.
2. Very pleasant; deeplightful: a deeplicious revenge.

Word of the Day - Deeplomatic

deep·lo·mat·ic
adj.

1. Of, relating to, or involving communication designed to offend and undermine the professional credibility of the subject.
2. Using or marked by lack of tact and sensitivity in dealing with others.

• Of or relating to corporate mavericks

Verse for classmate gets Dalit boy death

India, 2008 apparently.

Absolutely disgusting.

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/Chandigarh/Verse_for_classmate_gets_Dalit_boy_death/articleshow/3199090.cms

Word of the Week - Fabulash

Fabulash (Fabul . ash)
Adj

Typical use: To live fabulashly

1. To exist without concern for social pressures and focus only in pursuit of the next jolly.

2. To channel a towering intellect and logical prowess for the good of mankind…ie the annihilation of bugfaced alien invaders on xbox

3. The purchase of very large, very expensive, very useless toys. (Its stupid, I know its stupid, everyone tells me its stupid, but I’ll do it anyway…. because its cool)