If airlines sold paint..

Just to funny.

By Alan H. Hess. Originally published in Travel Weekly, October 1998.

IF AIRLINES SOLD PAINT
----------------------
Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different
prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.

Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?

Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks.
But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that
week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be kidding!

Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!

Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell
only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by
the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any
more $12 paint.

Customer: The price went up as we were talking?

Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times
a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with
your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase
your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have
enough.

Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use
it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you
already have.

Customer: WHAT?

Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall
and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom,
you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.

Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already
paid you for it!

Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used,
every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I
don't keep painting until after Saturday night!

Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the
$200 paint.

Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a quart"
signs?

Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in
half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second
half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have
labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.

Customer: The heck with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!

Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your
bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone
else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway
from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in
only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.

Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!

Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you
started. A hallway is different.

Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one
direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.

Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on
your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.

Customer: You're insane!

Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.

==
A slightly modified version of the original.
Printed with permission. C Alan H. Hess, 1998. All rights reserved.

In the Lounge again....

The last few weeks have been very interesting, I have said that friends are like diamonds, you need time and pressure to get one. More of one means you can get away with less of the other. Good times do not make good friends, its only when people have to choose between what they want and what would be most equitable that you find out who your real mates are.

Anyway, I'm sitting in the Virgin lounge at JFK banging this pointless blog on my shiny new macbook pro, up for 36 hours straight packing and stressing...although some of the 36 was spent have my last proper steak, for a while, at Del Frisco's Filet PAH! Ribeye any day of the week.

I think things are going to be just fun...just need some space to run.

Douche Bag Indicators (DBI)

Douche Bag Indicators (DBI), in no particular order

1. Excessive use of the words bro, dude or if the late 80’s homie when referring to any male. This goes double after the age of 35
2. Use of any “Air and Finger” weaponry.
3. Mentioning in their first conversation with someone,
1. “their friend’s yacht or Paris Pied-a-Tier”
2. “their black friend”
3. “their gay friend”
4. “their gay black friend”
4. Having more than one polo shirt on at a time
5. Insisting that everybody, including the guy at the end of the bar he doesn’t know, has a shot of Jägermeister, for no apparent reason.
6. Screaming Yeah! And Hi Fiving everyone with excessive enthusiasm,
1. At the end of the Jägermeister shot
2. Ever
7. The only person who you can hear laughing in a room full of people laughing.
8. Wearing a cravat without being French and it being a Tuesday.
9. Wearing Shades in a nightclub, unless
1. You’re famous
2. You’re Italian
3. You’re Japanese
4. You’re Black
10. Excessive Use of Latin abbreviations, quotations etc, that is not to say, never using them per se but when used in an ad hoc manner vis-à-vis making no sense what so ever.
11. Use of Air quotes when saying anything, allegedly controversial.
12. Considering oneself a foreign policy expert because they
1. have watched all 7 seasons of 24
2. have travelled to “Africa” in their “gap” year from college, while changing major
3. know someone from another country who gave them the complete lowdown.

The 5 Stages of Leaving

Stage 1 – Statement of Intent 180 minutes before actually leaving

This stage kicks off the leaving process, it can be repeated a number of times before moving on the stage 2. Each iteration of stage 1, will result in a negative response from the host, who will forcefully insist that you stay. In some cases, it will appear that the host wants you to stay forever.

Also common in this stage is someone will go and start to make a fresh pot of tea.

Stage 2 – Standing Up in The Room

People will stand up in the Room and carry on their conversation. Children will often be told to stop any activities they are participating in preparation for departure. They will of course become bored and irritable when they have to stand around with the olds.

Hug

Drink the tea

Stage 3 – Move To the Door

As is traditional in many Asian homes, shoes are not worn indoors. This presents stage 3, shoes are normally left near the door. While putting on your shoes you will participate in a stage that is very similar to Stage 2 except the conversation will revolve around the host and the leaving guest impressing upon one another that they do not see each other enough, each trying to establish that they alone are busy and the other should come round more often.

Hug

Stage 4 – Open the Door

See Stage 3 but with the door open.

Stage 5 - Leaving

The customary never ending wave, the host must continue to wave bye the departing guest until the he/she is at least 200 miles away.

Variations

The empty Tupperware swap.

This includes the return and lending of various pieces of kitchenware products, which will need to be found and/or washed.

The emergency sabjee supply chain.

This includes the giving of everyday food items, to save the guest from going shopping and getting it themselves.

Total time 90-180 minutes.