Cleveland November 2006

Cleveland, OH What a weekend! On the way Continental managed to lose Ron's luggage DOH! After landing we wwent to pick the Fun Bus, big up Carl for the excellent call.

After a brief warm up at the hotel, it was off to down town Cleveland to partake in some of the midwest club scene. I like!

Saturday was world class, sleep in , go shopping, charades, all lubricated with copious amounts of alcohol. Followed by poker and one of the most unlikely comebacks in poker history by Sanal. If only he didn't do the, "I'm a closet gay republican" dance everytime he won a hand.

Sunday was the game. Damn those Steelers!

Click on the picture for more pictures. Anybody who has pictures from this weekend please can you send them to me, or let me know so I can tell how to upload to this set. So we have all the pics from this weekend in one place

English of Tomorrow EU Announcement

Brussels, Belgium: The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be droppe d in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

Thanks Steve

Gold Reaches 20 Year High Indian Daugter-In-Laws Rejoice

London, UK: Concerns of over the credit crisis and oil prices continued to weigh on investors weakening the dollar.

Investors ran to safe haven investments such as gold, forcing the price up to an 20-year high. There was however, plenty of gold selling, as Indian daughter-in-law’s were able to convince their husbands family that with the gold spot where it was it was utter madness not to sell.

However, noted Punjabi anthropologist, Dr. Iam Don Key, said that this Sale was more to do with the girls not wanting to wear tasteless display of wealth. A spokeswoman for NA, NauAh Anonymous said, “ There are often unreported medical consequences from wearing so much gold, neck ache, back ache and extreme embarrassment from looking like Christmas tree”

Medical insurance company stocks, also rose on the prospect of not having to pay out on such claims, the biggest gainer was MTTI, Meri Tutee Toohey Insurance (MTTI), which rose 3%.

In other news, a Punjabi girl is receiving treatment on her arse, after tripping in a field over her very long hair. The girl, is reported to be in good spirits, although she has asked to be kept in for observation. Lawyers for Timotei, issued a statement, saying they would fight any compensation claim in court.

The Ant and Grasshopper

CLASSIC VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE MODERN BRITISH VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate and working class grasshoppers like him are cold and starving.

BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper, with cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm home with a table filled with food. The term Fat Cat is used a lot. Britons are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.

The Big Issue, the NUS and Oxfam demonstrate in front of the ant's house. The BBC, interrupting a Chav Cultural Symposium special from Mile End with breaking news, broadcasts them singing "We Shall Overcome."

Gordon Brown rants in an interview with Jeremey Paxman that the ant has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and says he will call for an immediate tax hike, which he refers to as a redistribution, on the ant and all 'like him' to make him pay his "fair share."

In response to polls, the Labour Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant's taxes are reassessed and he is handed a new bill. Also the Grasshopper sues the Ant for failing to hire grasshoppers as help, the CRE has promised to pay for the case. In a statement they accuse Ants of being 'Institutionally Racist'. The grasshopper receives Full Legal Aid, paid for by the Ants previous taxes. The ant cannot get Legal aid as he had some savings and investments for his retirement.

Without enough money to pay his retroactive taxes and fight the discrimination case, the government repossesses his home.

The ant moves to the US, starts a successful agribiz company.

The BBC later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of the ant's food though Spring is still months away, while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he hadn't maintained it.

Inadequate government funding is blamed, Lord Falconer is appointed to head a commission of enquiry that will cost £10,000,000.

The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, the Sun blames it on obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from the endemic class system. The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders, praised by the Commission for Racial Equality for enriching Britain's multicultural diversity, who promptly terrorize the community and start claming benefit.

Word Of The Week - Deeplicious

Deep·li·cious
adj.

1. Highly pleasing or agreeable to the senses, especially of taste or smell.
2. Very pleasant; deeplightful: a deeplicious revenge.

Word of the Day - Deeplomatic

deep·lo·mat·ic
adj.

1. Of, relating to, or involving communication designed to offend and undermine the professional credibility of the subject.
2. Using or marked by lack of tact and sensitivity in dealing with others.

• Of or relating to corporate mavericks

Verse for classmate gets Dalit boy death

India, 2008 apparently.

Absolutely disgusting.

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/Chandigarh/Verse_for_classmate_gets_Dalit_boy_death/articleshow/3199090.cms

Word of the Week - Fabulash

Fabulash (Fabul . ash)
Adj

Typical use: To live fabulashly

1. To exist without concern for social pressures and focus only in pursuit of the next jolly.

2. To channel a towering intellect and logical prowess for the good of mankind…ie the annihilation of bugfaced alien invaders on xbox

3. The purchase of very large, very expensive, very useless toys. (Its stupid, I know its stupid, everyone tells me its stupid, but I’ll do it anyway…. because its cool)

Poconos July 4th, 2008

Lake Harmony, PA : Just the picture for this post.

Word of the Week - FASHism

Defined as a form of obsessive behavior marked by preoccupation with expensive dining, copious drinking and serious plundering of intellectual and financial advantage, in which a mass-based party of committed individuals, working in an uneasy but effective collaboration against traditional elites, abandons all sensibility and pursues with redemptive violence and without ethical, social or legal restraints, goals of inebriation, waist expansion and the accumulation of expensive, state-of-the-art yet ultimately useless technology.

Posted by Ash

Word of the Week - Gastroporntastic

gas·tro·porn·tas·tic
adj

Explicit pictures, writing, or other material whose primary purpose is to cause psuedo-sexual gastromical arousal.

1. Unrestrainedly fanciful; extravagant: fantastic food
2. Wonderful or superb; remarkable: a fantastic food

Indian Highway Code

Traveling on Indian Roads is an almost hallucinatory potion of sound, spectacle and experience. It is frequently heart-rending, sometimes hilarious, mostly exhilarating, always unforgettable -- and, when you are on the roads, extremely dangerous. Most Indian road users observe a version of the Highway Code based on a Sanskrit text.

These 12 rules of the Indian road are published for the first time in English:

ARTICLE I:

The assumption of immortality is required of all road users.

ARTICLE II:

Indian traffic, like Indian society, is structured on a strict caste system. The following precedence must be accorded at all times. In descending order, give way to: Cows, elephants, heavy trucks, buses, official cars, camels, light trucks, buffalo, jeeps, ox-carts, private cars, motorcycles, scooters, auto-rickshaws, pigs, pedal rickshaws, goats, bicycles (goods-carrying), handcarts, bicycles (passenger-carrying), dogs, pedestrians.

ARTICLE III:

All wheeled vehicles shall be driven in accordance with the maxim: to slow is to falter, to brake is to fail, to stop is defeat. This is the Indian drivers' mantra.

ARTICLE IV:

Use of horn (also known as the sonic fender or aural amulet):

Cars (IV,1,a-c):

Short blasts (urgent) indicate supremacy, IE in clearing dogs, rickshaws and
pedestrians from path.

Long blasts (desperate) denote supplication, IE to oncoming truck: "I am
going too fast to stop, so unless you slow down we shall both die". In
extreme cases this may be accompanied by flashing of headlights (frantic).
Single blast (casual) means: "I have seen someone out of India's870 million
whom I recognize", "There is a bird in the road (which at this speed could
go through my windscreen)" or "I have not blown my horn for several
minutes."

Trucks and buses (IV,2,a):

All horn signals have the same meaning, viz: "I have an all-up weight of
approximately 12.5 tons and have no intention of stopping, even if I could."
This signal may be emphasized by the use of headlamps.

Article IV remains subject to the provision of Order of Precedence in
Article II above.

ARTICLE V:

All maneuvers, use of horn and evasive action shall be left until the last
possible moment.

ARTICLE VI:

In the absence of seat belts (which there is), car occupants shall wear garlands of marigolds. These should be kept fastened at all times.

ARTICLE VII:

Rights of way:
Traffic entering a road from the left has priority. So has traffic from the
right, and also traffic in the middle.

Lane discipline (VII,1):

All Indian traffic at all times and irrespective of direction of travel shall occupy the center of the road.

ARTICLE VIII:

Roundabouts: India has no roundabouts. Apparent traffic islands in the middle of crossroads have no traffic management function. Any other impression should be ignored.

ARTICLE IX:

Overtaking is mandatory. Every moving vehicle is required to overtake every other moving vehicle, irrespective of whether it has just overtaken you.

Overtaking should only be undertaken in suitable conditions, such as in the face of oncoming traffic, on blind bends, at junctions and in the middle of villages/city centers. No more than two inches should be allowed between your vehicle and the one you are passing -- and one inch in the case of bicycles or pedestrians.

ARTICLE X:

Nirvana may be obtained through the head-on crash.

ARTICLE XI:

Reversing: no longer applicable since no vehicle in India has reverse gear.

A Critique of Ashbird Seat and Other Management Tips

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit on my ass like you and do thing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle, and rested. All of
a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting on your ass and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get
to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my manure droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of manure, found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson: Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was.

The dung was actually thawing him out. He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lessons:

1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3. And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

(Buzz) Word of the week - ASHBIRD SEAT

ASHBIRD SEAT

\ASH-berd-SEET\ . noun

The phrase is said to have its origins from the habit of the catbird of sitting on the highest point it can find to deliver its song, thus suggesting an effortless superiority.

1. To assume a position of some prominance, responsibility or advantage… and then completely abuse with clinical condescension, ego stroking and lots of pointing and laughing at other people for no reason.

Word Of The Week - Deepiphany

dee·piph·a·ny
n. pl. dee·piph·a·nies

1. A sudden manifestation of the deep essence or deep meaning of something. "Deep was, in fact, right all along"
2. A comprehension or perception of reality by means of a sudden intuitive realization: “I experienced an epiphany, arguing with Deep is like banging your head against a wall, it's fun at first but ultimately going to end in failure”

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to
take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting,
or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off these bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom (or tent) at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

New Blog

I have started transferring all my old posts from my self hosted blog to blogger.com, as you might have noticed I haven't posted anything for a while, mainly because I haven't been able to get the spam problem under control.

So you will the old posts from the site here. Apologies to those of you who have read them before.

Word of the Week - Deepbrief

deep·brief
tr.v. deep·briefed, deep·brief·ing, deep·briefs

1. Post activity lecture, by Deep, on how you can do it better next time
2. To have ones underwear taken off by Deep
3. When Deep takes off his underwear

JAT-LAG PANDEMIC CRIPPLES COMMUNITY

London, UK: Doctors have finally acknowledged that JAT-LAG is a medical condition and should be treated as such. Dr. Singh, a respected surgeon at West Middlesex Teaching Hospital, said in a statement earlier today, “this is a very important step in the fight against JAT-LAG, acknowledging the problem is half the cure”, adding “also this should mean funding will be made available to help treat this debilitating condition.”

Jat-Lag like Jet-Lag, occurs when moving from one place to another, however where jet-lag effects the body clock, jat-lag has the same effect on ideas. Unfortunately, Jat-lag lasts much longer, some make others suffer for decades and eventually die with the condition.

Sufferers display a wide variety of symptoms, which often include

• Annoying Superiority Complexes
• Romanticizing Punjabi Rural Lifestyles
• Rewriting history and religion, to include the exploits of Jat-Lag Sufferers
• Applying rules that are completely irrelevant in today world, in the name of “preservation of culture”
• Farm Geographic Transmigration Syndrome (FGTS), sufferers think they are on a farm

Although Jat-Lag was downwardly restrictive in the past, it has now mutated to include geography, from country down to the village level, any variation in caste, fairness of skin or occupation.

Younger sufferers often display signs of denial, comments like “I don’t have Jat-Lag, my parents do, but I don’t want to upset them, they’ve done so much for me, so I pretend everything is okay” or “well actually we are different from you my dad said” are common.

Jat-lag is often hereditary, British Born Confused Punjabi’s (BBCP) and American Born Confused Desi’s (ABCD) are two groups that have a very tough time reconciling Jat-Lag with the world they live in. Younger members of the two groups though seemed to be developing some kind of resistance.

Jat-Lag is normally not contagious, unless you are incredibly stupid, or lack any ideas of your own.

The Mayor of London is starting the Balle Balle Fund For The Eradication Of Jat-Lag, BBFFTEOJ, for short. This fund will coordinate and support, research in Anti-Jat-Lag treatment and training.